Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
