I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.