the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
