Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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