Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
