Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
