Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
