apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
