In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
