but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
