i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
