my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
