remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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