I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
