I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
