If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
