He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
