i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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