I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
