he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
