so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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