there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
