Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
