Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We just shotgunned beers for America
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
