I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
