He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
