You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
