there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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