PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
