Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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