just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
