I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If that was your dad, he is hot
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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