My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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