70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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