these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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