Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize