My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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