I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
