I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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