mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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