Soap is not a condiment
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
