Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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