my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
