A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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