my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
