rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
