Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
