If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
