It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
