What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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