I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
