I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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