mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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