on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
