Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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